Send it.

I sometimes desire the Lord so bad that my soul hurts...
But I feel as though the He is unattainable to the extent
that I need Him.
Easter Sunday was the last time that I legit allowed myself to be in his presence
and it lasted for maybe 30 seconds.
I finally let my walls down for a moment and desperately begged for him to 
reveal himself to me.
To let me feel him even if it's just by touching his worn cloak. 
He immediately took over and I couldn't help by weep.
I then decided there's no way it was real...
no way that I truly was just touched by the Lord Almighty
and i sucked in the tears and composed myself.
I heard Him say why can't you just trust me Ruth.
I don't know Lord, 
I don't know why I don't trust you.
I beg and beg and beg for more of you
then once I feel you I retract.
I'm terrified of the dreams and visions and prophecies I have been given.
It's as if I see this huge plan you have for me
and I get butterflies
But when I think of these things actually taking place I convince myself it's impossible.
How could you blow up someone like me.
and duh I get that it's bullshit.
I get that there is redemption in your blood
and that you call the broken
But just getting that into my little head is what's impossible.


I secretly wish I was called to the comfortable American life.
That it was kosher for me to just be cozy for the rest of my life.
But it's not.
What doesn't make sense to me is that 
I have been created in your image.
created to find my very identity in you.
Created to be affirmed only by you.
Created to be yours and you be mine.
My very resistence to this idea that I know sure and well
Is the reason I'm so empty and desperate. 
It's as if I know exactly what I'm supposed to do.
I'm supposed to "give up"
But how on earth do I do that?
There have been a few times that I can look back and be like 
yeah I legit died in that moment and surrendered..
But those can be counted on one hand...
I don't get how to do it daily. 
I don't get most things.


I very much love and desire you Lord.
I feel like you are a huge ocean...
and i'm still chilling on the shore.
I've heard great things of what it's like to become thoroughly submerged in you.
But nope.
I'm sitting on the shore.
Taking in the scene and loving the view.
Being intrigued by the waves crashing on the shore
but terrified of what it would be like to actually be overtaken by them. 
Loving the smell of the air
and the wind on my face.
Getting my feet wet every once in awhile.
using the water to wash the sand off my hands
using it to cleanse myself...
and every once in awhile taking a dive 
only to immediately freak out and pound towards the shore. 
Terrified of the unknown and the total surrender of it.


This is a scary prayer, Lord
But I clearly need something to get me off the shore.
Send a huge crashing wave
so that I cannot even cling to the shore.
If it takes a freaking hurricane of you...
I'll take it.
I want to be suffocated in your love...
I just don't know take the initial dive. 


The hardest part is that 
i'm aware that once I take the plunge...
I will drown in you.
My flesh will HAVE to die.
That's scary.
I love my flesh.
I love the comfort I have doing what I want to do.
I'm terrified of the total surrender it will take to be 
overtaken by such a strong power.


But. I'm in Lord.
Whatever it takes. 
Send it. 

I'm Done.

2011 was the most painful year of my life hands down. 
Composed on the outside 
but my insides were just a big ball of heartache. 
I came to the conclusion that if I truly let my heart feel all the 
pain, sorrow and hopelessness that I encountered...
I would seriously implode and die.
Melt away. 
Looking back it's obvious that the Lord took over me and did work.
There's no way I would've survived on my own even for a second. 


Every three to four weeks we hopped from culture to culture like it was normal.
I found myself blotting out the pain that I had endured the month before
in order to stay focused in the current month.
So, I chose not to deal.
I chose not the miss.
I chose not to feel.
I chose not to cry.
I secretly tried not to love.. but it was impossible. 
For 11 whole months I tried to protect myself.
Guard my heart from all the infectious emotional pain I endured.


The only problem with the mindset is that it didn't stop.
I got home at the end of November and
my heart instantly saw it as a new month.
I hopped immediately into the culture...
protecting my heart from the pain that I had seen and felt the months before...
and diving head first into making the American culture my focus.


I have had my moments that I have reminisced on the year...
Prayed for faces in particular,
and secretly wept into my pillow for the lost souls I have encountered,
but for the most part I keep it all in the back of my mind.
It's extremely hard to talk about it all.
It's hard to comprehend that i even experienced half the things...
and if I can't comprehend them myself, how on earth am I supposed to vocalize them?


I miss my street boys like nobodys business yet... 
yet I am more worried about American boys attention than interceding for them.
I am well aware that my Swazi babies eat less than 10 cents of food a day...
yet It is easy for me to drop $20 on a meal that doesn't begin to satisfy.
I know of the girls around the world that are forced to prostitute their bodies nightly...
yet I am caught up in who thinks I'm a beautiful based on the worlds standards.
I know the Lord is the only thing that will ever satisfy me...
yet I whorishly pursue anything but the attention of my one true Lover. 
I know the Lord has plans for my life that I cannot even comprehend...
yet I find it necessary to manipulate and plan out my life myself.


Lord, It blows my mind yet again that...
you'll take such a measly little sinner such as me
and call me your bride.
That you never ever stop pursuing me 
even when I run away like Hoseas wife...
Even when I cheat on you like David did...
Even when I spit on your grace daily like Israel...
Even when I run in the opposite direction like Jonah...
Even when I convince myself that i'm not worthy and run...
Even when I choose to betray you in fear that I'm not good enough...
You forcefully pursue me.
You see my sick ways and just whisper that you
 don't care.
That even if I cheat, run and betray... You are still there.
That You aren't afraid to brutally fight for me. 
That even with my bruises and torn clothes and tired eyes
I am still the most beautiful thing in your eyes.
That I am redeemed.


Basically, Lord, I think you're psychotic.
I can't comprehend You.
But I'm okay with that.
I surrender to you because that's all I can do.
I'm done running.
I'm done spitting.
I'm done pretending.
I'm done cheating.
I'm yours.

Shalom.

What up.
New blog alert.
I am a thorough fan of the world race blogsite...
but turns out I am no longer a current world racer
so I have graduate over to a more independent blog. 
If you want to check those out do it here: ruthwilson.theworldrace.org.
I have recently returned home from the most 
psychotic year of my life.
11 countries in 11 months.
I was wrecked... smashed... then put back together.
Now I am back in the psycho real world of America
and I am yet again wrecked.
This place is not at all the way I thought I left it.
It is one of the most heavy places earth.
The worst part about is that it's thoroughly comfortable.
I daily get distracted and water down my pursuit of the one who
spoke me into being. 


Swaziland, Africa, is the country I plan on growing old in.
I have fought the Lord up and down day and night
begging Him to send me somewhere more appealing...
Somewhere less heartbreaking. 
Somewhere with more hope. 
Nope.
He has given me dream after dream
vision after vision
confirmation after confirmation
that Swaziland is where He wants me.
And obviously He knows best.
Swazi is my next step in life.
I am currently finishing up school this semester then I will dive face first
into that dream.
I will blow you up later what those visions have looked like. 
All I know is that they are children heading up households.
yes, that means babies taking care of babies.
AIDS has taken out the middle generation.
There are ancient people and young people.
I feel called to basically every need there.
Babies. Street kids. Grandmas. 
Ultimately raising up a generation that will change the entire
country of Swaziland 
and I have faith that in that change...
The Hope of Africa will be shifted and the whole continent will
Fall on their faces at the subtle whisper of the name of Jesus. 
I know it'll happen..
I just have to intercede and do everything in my power 
while I am still over here in the lonestar state.
I have to prepare Spiritually or I will crash and burn.
I know HE will follow through with the visions he has engraved on my soul though..
I cannot even wait to see what happens. 


Overall I'm just shocked that the Lord has chosen ME.
Legit blows my mind.
I have not pursued him ever until this past year...
When he yanked me out of my shit and put me on solid ground.
He washed me off and said "You're mine follow me"
and I try my hardest to do so daily.
What sucks is that every single day I find myself
subtly spitting on His grace
and I fall on my face and attempt to "make him love me again" 
and he says get over yourself I love you regardless.
Crazy how freaking amazing He is.
I'm in love.


So, welcome to my blog.
Forgive my raw language and feelings.
oh and lack of grammar use.
Love.